Honest Kingdom Trailers
by whatamidoing765
Summary: After watching Screen Junkies and Koei's PVs, this is the result. These were inspired by the YouTube channel Screen Junkies. Check them out after you read this. Update: Honest Trailer for whole game along with every character having a new nickname or me giving them one if they didn't appear in the first chapter
1. Chapter 1

**(I'm not narrating, it's this stereotypical narrator you hear in movie trailers on TV. Specifically the narrator in Honest Trailers by Screen Junkies.)**

***static***

**Honest Shu trailer**

**From the video game company that loves to make thousands of games about dead Chinese men, they n****ow to bring you the kingdom that promotes...**

**(Showing Ma Chao)**

**Justice**

**(Showing Liu Bei)**

**Virtue**

**(Showing Jiang Wei)**

**BE-NE-VO-LENCE **

**...But without actually doing it**

**Shu**

**Meet Liu Bei, a benevolent man who along with his brothers from other mothers end this chaos**

**By...**

**Throwing babies on the ground**

**Leaving his family behind  
**

**Caring for his brother from other mothers than his actual family**

**Letting millions die because his brothers from other mothers die**

**But these are all part of getting rid of chaos, right? Right?**

**He meets Zhuge Liang. A guy who looks strangely like Jesus and has a French-sounding name.**

**Together, they make a plan to have England take a third of China, Russia taking the top, and that red kingdom that no one pays attention to until Chibi taking that last piece. Just like if you were to share a giant pizza between three friends or in this case, rivals/enemies. **

**Meet Zhao Yun. **

**A handsome, strong, athletic, loyal, fast, possibly gay, gravity-defying, selling out poster boy foot soldier that is super exaggerated in fiction. Watch as he...**

**Perform long jumps and stay in the air for a certain period of time**

**Cool!**

**Knock millions of foot soldiers like him off the ground in a CGI flame**

**Awesome!**

**Has very close eye-to-eye contact with guys he clashes with**

**Um...?**

**Sonics his behind through millions of CGI flaming arrows**

**Unrealistic!**

**Kick horses in the faaaace **

**Whooooa! Animal abuse! This guy does everything!**

**When - SPOILER ALERT- Liu Bei dies, he entrusts everything to his son, who is stupid thanks to his awesome parenting. He also leaves the stuff to Zhuge Liang, who has been with him since that bridge stage, and didn't even prevent Liu Bei from throwing his baby. So supportive. **

**Now that Zhuge Liang has the kingdom, he too is sick and has to leave things to a guy he just met on a battlefield rather than his own son. As you watch, he struggles against... **

**(Showing Sima Yi.)**

**Is that my dad who is going through a Prince and Abraham Lincoln phase?**

**Starring...**

**Discount Buddha (Liu bei)**

**Duck Dynasty (Guan Yu)**

**Alcoholics Anonymous (Zhang Fei) **

**Chinese Jesus (Zhuge Liang)**

**Female Buddha (Yue Ying)**

**Liu Kang (Zhao Yun)**

**Jiang Wrong-Wei (Jiang Wei)**

**Ninja-kung fu-sombrero-cowboy (Pang Tong)**

**An extra (Xu Shu)**

**Hulk Hogan (Huang Zhong)**

**Puppy Chow (Ma Chao)**

**The Brady Bunch (Guan babies and Zhangs)**

**Final Fantasy weapons **

**And...**

**Nonexistent benevolence**

**The Shu kingdom **

** *static***

**Honest Wei trailer**

**Introducing the kingdom that fucked up your shit worse than M. Night Shyamalan fucked up the Last Airbender **

**This is a melting pot of warriors that work for a man that can rock two cow licks.**

**Such as...**

**(Showing Zhang He)**

**This homosexual stereotype**

**(Showing Zhang Liao) **

**This French stereotype**

**(Showing Li Dian)**

**That guy you think is coming to the workplace with a shotgun**

**(Showing Zhen Ji)**

**Lady who can slap me any century**

**(Showing Wang Yi)**

**My ex-girlfriend**

**(Showing Xu Chu)**

**This fat people stereotype**

**(Showing Cao Pi)**

**A prince that doesn't sit on a throne of swords or any throne for that matter**

**(Showing Sima Yi)**

**Not suspicious AT ALL. I mean...haha! Those hats! He's not threatening! What? He's not in this? Then why does he appear in both stories though? Still not suspicious at all.**

**Wei**

**Join Cao Cao and his cousins who you eventually lose track on who's related to who. Wait.. are they brothers? And those are cousins? No? Those two are brothers and THOSE are cousins? Argh! So confusing! **

**Follow him as he...**

**Chases after little girls**

**Chases Liu Bei off to the border of China **

**Chases random warriors to make them work for him **

**Says ambition every ten minutes**

**And...**

**Stand or sit on a horse dramatically in flashbacks and dreams**

**He had a long run, and then he dies, leaving his pompous douchebag son to the throne who happens to have the name of cow urine. Phht! Hahaha! Cow Pee! Remember when they used to call him that? **

**He does just as good while sticking his face in his wife's enormous beewbs. Then he dies of lung disease. Toxic bewbs! His son, a guy you don't even see until the narration. So, you just ignore him since he's not pretty. Then he dies. **

**Wow, they all have such short life spans. Then this guy...**

**(Showing Sima Yi rape-facing)**

**Not suspicious at all still. Haha! That hat! How is that not falling off when he bows down? Those eyelashes though...**

**Starring...**

**Two Cows (Cao Cao)**

**The Frog Prince (Cao Pi)**

**PTSD Vietnam vet (Xiahou Dun)**

**Beer belly (Xiahou Yuan)**

**Chef Boyardee (Zhang Liao)**

**Tamaki Suoh (Guo Jia)**

**Jack Sparrow (Jia Xu)**

**Project Runway (Zhen Ji)**

**Mike Tyson (Dian Wei**

**The Blob (Xu Chu)**

**Dancing with the Stars (Zhang He)**

**Lightning (Wang Yi)**

**Gundam (Cao Ren)**

**Optimus Prime (Pang De)**

**And...**

**Everlasting ambition**

**The Wei kingdom **

***static***

**Honest Jin trailer**

**From the kingdom who fucked up your shit **

**Comes another kingdom that will set your shit on fire and piss on it**

**Jin **

**(Showing Sima Yi)**

**Oh wait, didn't I see him before...? Oh come on! He was planning right under our noses! I can't believe this! My money was on the weirdo guy with an almost afro! (Li Dian) Oh well... **

**This guy was more dangerous than cow urine, that's for sure... Kmph...Hahaha!**

**Jin**

**Watch this smart-ass for seventy years, serve three short-spanned men only to take over things after that, say words that mean you're dumb because he can't say "dumbass", and is a father and is a grandpa already, and yet he still looks like he just graduated college. ****Seriously, does he use a lot of botox or he's like that? That's not natural. He also**** dresses like a Korean Soul Reaper and has those hats that make you think he could be Abraham Lincoln's ancestor.**

**(Shots of Sima Yi with all of his hats)**

**Does he get these custom-made or something? Is there a specialty store for hats in China? Does he design them?**

**Meet his two sons. Sima Shi, a pretty guy who strangely looks the same age as his father, has a strange obsession with a food that look like bewbs, dresses like he's going to a musical, and if you put one more letter in his name, it will spell out a common swear word.**

**(Sima Shi holding a meatbun in happiness)**

**Haha. Boobs.**

**Sima Zhao, who looks like that Hawaiian lifeguard I lost my girlfriend to. And every hot beach guy in every movie or on every California beach. Looks nothing like his dad, but he can surf on a guy! How cool is that? He dresses like he was lost in America during the 80's and shows off his aaaaabs like some Jersey Shore douchebag.**

**Those pecs too. **

**But wait! There's more! **

**(Showing Zhang Chunhua)**

**Whoa... who's she? What? SHE'S the mom? Hubba-hubba! Oh, excuse me... Ahem... **

**Meet this MILF who is happened to be married to that purple wearing lighthouse. Lucky bastard... Who clearly got her dress from Cinderella when she got her dress ripped up by her evil stepsisters. But I am certainly enjoying the view from here. (Shot of her cleavage) Yeeeah... Excuse me, how come that guy isn't tapping this more? If my wife or girlfriend looked like that, I would have DESTROYED her. Oh, there's another one?**

**(Showing Wang Yuanji)**

**Oh, was there such a thing as a blonde Asian? Anyway, she is married to that surfer dude and already has kids with him. Damn, they work fast back then... And she also has booobs and damn! Look at that collar! **

**This family is like a Chinese Addams family or something. **

**Follow along as they have a family outing by taking down a corrupt official. Aw, I wish my family had us kill a corrupt official as part of our vacation. After they got rid of that guy, the parents retired and left the power stuff to the sons, never to be seen again. **

**Until the hypothetical stages. That's a long time. They obviously would had some alone time, if you catch my drift. **

**You now follow that in-the-closet kid only to have him die by him holding his eye. They didn't even put some blood? That's boring... Then that power goes to Brad Pitt and he has to do more stuff that would have bored you to death because he's in your face in every stage. Along with that small blonde girl and this Kiss-reject. **

**See...**

**Eye-holding**

**Evil laughs and the many many synonyms for calling someone dumb, but they can't use dumbass**

**Zhao rubbing his head**

**The name Zhao being said a lot**

**Rebellions made by the kingdom's own characters**

**Bewb buns **

**So... in the end, the guy in those funny hats won? How? He's barely in the story! Oh, well, we all know what he was doing... Bow-chika-bow-wow...**

**Starring...**

**Aizen wearing a funny hat (Sima Yi)**

**The Color Purple **

**Asshole laughs**

**Ms. Robinson, haha! Just kidding! ****Bewbs ****(Zhang Chunhua)**

**See ma shit (Sima Shi)**

**Jersey Shore pecs (Sima Zhao)**

**Miley Cyrus (Wang Yuanji)**

**Gene Simmons (Jia Chong)**

**Deng Thighs (Deng Ai)**

**That Grudge lady (Guo Huai)**

**OMG Is that a gun?!**

**Loki (Zhuge Dan)**

**Anakin Skywalker (Zhong Hui)**

**Justin Bieber (Xiahou Ba)**

**and ****Jeremy Lin (Wen Yang)**

**The Jin kingdom**

***static***

**Honest Wu trailer**

**From all those kingdoms that have already fucked up your shit**

**Comes this kingdom that just stands there and watch as the others fuck shit up ****  
**

**Meet the kingdom that you see for a bit in other stories then you completely forget about them since they go away pretty fast and/or you getting lost in their pretty boys' eyes.**

**Except Chibi. That's when you see these guys flood the place.**

**Follow along with- **

**(Sun Jian getting shot with the arrow)**

**He's already dead? He was only twenty minutes into the screen! Ok, then the older son-**

**(Sun Ce getting shot)**

**Dead? Alright, then the younger one. (Showing Sun Quan) Eeeh... those two from before looked more interesting...**

**Follow Sun Quan, a boring, indecisive, boring, emotional ginger that copied Cow Cow's hair.**

**(Showing Huang Zhong, Lu Bu, Kazuma Kiryu, and Phoenix Wright) **

** And pretty much everyone else **

**Also, he's married, let's see-**

**(Showing Lian Shi)**

**WHOA! She looks like she came out of Dead or Alive!**

**Not that shitty movie, of course**

**(Shots of Lian Shi)**

**Yeeeeah... Oh! Let me get back on topic! This woman is Ginger kid's wife and personal bodyguard.**

**(Showing Zhou Tai)**

**Along with this Chinese samurai. But she's way better since she can protect him with her ginormous beewbs**

**But wait! There's more!**

**(Showing Sun Shang Xiang)**

**There's this girl that kicks butt better than you with a tongue-twisting name and was your third video game crush after Lara Croft and Zelda.**

**She's part of this right? Then why you see her for a bit, and she goes off to England. She stops wearing the colors! That's a big no-no if you're supposed to be with the red guys! **

**(Showing Zhou Yu)**

**This dude that looks like a lady is the brains here along with... **

**(Showing Lu Meng)**

**This old guy**

**(Showing Lu Su)**

**This guy with a Jewish hat thing**

**(Showing Lu Xun)**

**An anime guy? **

**Together, they are the brain of the whole kingdom along with others, but you don't pay attention to them because they're generics. **

**You also have the guys that are the fire power here:**

**(Gan Ning)**

**This pirate that debunks pirate stereotypes **

**(Ling Tong)**

**Another dude that looks like a lady**

**(Taishi Ci)**

**A Roman soldier**

**(Han Dang)**

**Who? **

**(Ding Feng throwing a peon in one cutscene)**

**Aw! Did you see how he threw that peon?**

**(Huang Gai)**

**Cool! He uses a boat!**

**And...**

**(Showing Two Qiaos)**

**This otaku attraction that keeps you distracted from the actual story. Seriously, why are they here? **

**Join them in a quest for...what were they fighting for again? It's hard to tell...**

**(Hypothetical ending for Wu in DW8)**

**But in the end, they have a huge-ass party! That's so awesome! Yeah! ****  
**

**Starring...**

**Quan Chi (Sun Quan)**

**Ghost Dad (Sun Jian)**

**Keigo (Sun Ce)**

**Tigers**

**Arrows**

**BEWBS (Lian Shi)**

**The Last Samurai (Zhou Tai)**

**Mr. T (Huang Gai)**

**A L'oreal commercial (Zhou Yu)**

**A Covergirl commercial (Ling Tong)**

**Every anime guy (Lu Xun)**

**Dragonball Z (Gan Ning)**

**Game of Thrones extra (Lu meng)**

**Frankenstein's monster (Ding Feng)**

**Gladiator (Taishi Ci)**

**Johnny Depp (Lu Su)**

**Han DAAAAAMN! (Han Dang)**

**It's a trap! (Xiao Qiao and Da Qiao)**

**The Wu kingdom**

***static***

**Honest Other trailer**

**Now after you finished those kingdoms, you have the leftovers from Thanksgiving dinner as a group called "Other." They're not a kingdom, but we still call them that. **

**Other**

**Meet Lu Bu. The Chuck Norris of that era. He is that guy who kills your character so fast, you didn't have time to piss your pants. And rocks those Cow Cow cow licks. But he crumbles when this- **

**(Showing Diao Chan) **

-**woman just walks in pieces of cloth sewn together near him, and he wants her just like that. And he does get her. **

**(Showing Dong Zhou)**

**After killing this fat guy. Who is FU-GLY! He's fat, he's ugly, he fugly. **

**These people just appear for a moment and then they all die, except the girl because we don't know what happened to her. Then there are just these leftovers no one looked at or wanted.**

**(Showing Yuan Shao)**

**This Asian British guy that you see dancing around like a wacky-waving-arm-inflatable tube man.**

**(Showing Meng Huo)**

**Tribal native king that surprisingly speaks perfect English**

**(Showing Zhu Rong)**

**Amazon woman that dresses like a Native American**

**(Showing Zuo Ci)**

**Fruity magician guy with paintbrush hair**

**(Showing Zhang Jiao)**

**Other fruity guy that uses magic and Patrick starfish hair**

**And you pretty much forget about these guys until you play their individual stories then you forget about them again. **

**Starring...**

**Super Saiyan Chuck Norris (Lu Bu)**

**Red auras**

**Marilyn Monroe (Diao Chan)**

**Randy Savage (Meng Huo)**

**Paula Deen (Dong Zhou)**

**Downton Abbey (Yuan Shao)**

**Gay Paintbrush (Zuo Ci)**

**Jebus (Zhang Jiao)**

**and Michelle Obama (Zhu Rong)**

**The Other "kingdom"**

* * *

**These names were usually the first that came to my head or I made references. **


	2. Chapter 2

**This is more like a honest trailer for the whole game itself. I also changed the nicknames too.**

* * *

** From the best-selling novel...**

**...in China...**

**Based on a fake story**

**Based on a true story**

**Based on historical fact**

** That has a really misleading name **

**I mean, really? Romance of the Three Kingdoms? You got Twilight fans reading this thinking it's about three gay vampire kingdoms.**

**Comes this franchise that made girls into hardcore gamers**

**And made guys hate sharing their PS3 with their girlfriend**

**Then those girls turn into hardcore yaoi fangirls **

**Seriously, the fans like dead historical men going gay for each other. Is this necrophilia? Was this even a thing before the games were released?**

**And it has spawned...**

**8 sequels**

**And 21 spin-offs! (and counting!)**

**Wow, Koei is milking this series like a cow**

**But Nintendo does way more milking off with the Mario series.**

* * *

**DYNASTY WARRIORS *8***

* * *

**Play as one of the four kingdoms**

**And you could play one Lu Bu stage so Koei can make you buy Xtreme Legends to play as him in a normal kingdom story storyline**

**I see what you did there, Koei**

**Meet Wei, the kingdom that has confusing family ties and the giant melting pot of warriors. The one that could have won but their great leaders had to kick the bucket early and decided to leave the kingdom to the very-obviously-untrustworthy-stupid-hat-wearing-strategist you call Control Horses.**

**Wu, the kingdom you don't give a f*** about if you are a history buff or a normal person starting the game. If you're some fangirl, they're all you think about because of their pretty boys. They had a chance, but thanks to one bad seed, it was all over. **

**Shu, the kingdom that REALLY needs a thesaurus along with some mental checks. After Yiling, they had zero chance of beating Wei and Wu, but you will still keep on supporting them. **

**Jin, the kingdom that was supposed to exist after the events of the first three. And most of the characters would be dead by that time anyway. 1/3 of them are rebels to the kingdom, so why put them there? **

**So in this war, it was Wei vs. Wu vs. Shu.**

**The winner: Jin.**

**Spoiler Alert: Everyone dies.**

* * *

**The basic summaries for the kingdoms are wanting China and they end up with a third of it. For the tiny kingdom Jin, y****ou have to watch a rerun of the Addams Family basically. Along with some guest stars. They need to cool it on the Sima Zhao stuff though. He's getting more screentime than Xing Cai's panty shots.**

**Other? Meh, you'll see them in the spin-offs.**

* * *

**We decided to only introduce you to the leaders because there's just too many people! **

**Meet Cao Cao, an ****ambitious and ****charismatic man that somehow gets many people after him.**

**He's wanted after planning a murder against this fatass**

**(Shot of Dong Zhou)**

**Eeeeeh... let the diabetes kill him... Then you could go back...**

**Liu Bei, a short straw shoemaker and seller that has the self esteem of a emo teenager. He travels with his fake brothers to create a land of benevolence but is a total hypocrite about it. **

**Sun...um... Quan? The ones before him died, so I guess him. **

**Also having the self esteem of an emo teenager, he leads his kingdom after his brother and father die of arrow wounds**

**You see them only for a few minutes before they get arrows to the face**

**Lastly, you got the unofficial leader of Jin**

**Sima Yi, an asshole ****that laughs in your face when you fail**

**He's sorta like that bully you had in high school except he's also a nerd**

**That hat should have gave it away otherwise**

**But he's a hot nerd without the nerd voice**

**Except in DW5**

**For Other, it's probably Lu Bu. **

**Lu Bu, a man with serious anger issues but somehow his girlfriend never got a single scratch on her**

**She's always in his way, I'm surprised he didn't accidentally hit her when he was on his killing sprees**

**He's also the guy who made you piss your pants when he appeared at that gate**

**They added new characters to the already large roster. **

**Young adult show detective duo. (Yue Jin and Li Dian) **

**Older people show detective duo. (Lu Su and Han Dang)**

** Merchandising and fanservice (Guan Yinping, Guan Xing, and Zhang Bao)**

** A knight, a goth, and a courtesan walk into a bar... (Wen Yang, Jia Chong, Zhang Chunhua)**

**And this makes the roster hitting the number of characters in a mainstream manga series.**

**There are so many characters in here, the characters gave up on being Chinese and started speaking in barely noticeable English or American accents.**

* * *

**So saddle up for...**

**Riding on a horse for 5 seconds before getting off to attack a random officer to only forget where did you leave the horse**

**Tedious combos**

**Seizure causing musous**

**Recycled dialogue from generics you hear so many goddamn times you want to punch your screen**

**And...**

**"I have defeated an officer!" being said over twenty times throughout your playtime**

**They even have a new mode called "Ambition Mode."**

**Prepare for...**

**Tedious battles fighting for boxes**

**Tedious battles fighting random guys until you meet a famous officer**

**Tedious battles where...**

**...there is no battle **

**(Shot of Xiahou Dun running around in the middle of the screen) **

**There's barely anyone here! What's the point of putting all that armor and grabbing this giant-ass blade? There's only a tiny group of people over there! All for a box?! **

**Alright, alright, I need it...**

* * *

**Starring...**

**The Most Interesting Man in the World (Cao Cao)**

**Miles Edgeworth (Cao Pi)**

**Pacific Rim ****(Cao Ren)**

**Kevin James (Xiahou Yuan)**

**Kintoki Sakata (Guo Jia)**

**Hugh Jackman (Xiahou Dun)**

**Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (Dian Wei)**

**Gay Wolverine (Zhang He)**

**The Return of Jafar (Jia Xu)**

**Peter Griffin (Xu Chu)**

**Leonidas (Zhang Liao)**

**The Blue Beetle (Pang De)**

**A condom (Xu Huang)**

**The Nutty Professor (Li Dian)**

**Sonic the Hedgehog (Yue Jin)**

**Charlie's Angels (Zhen Ji, Wang Yi, Cai Wenji)**

**Ginger kid (Sun Quan)**

**Solid Snake (Sun Jian)**

**Madao (Sun Ce)**

**Your first erection (Sun Shang Xiang)**

**BEWBS (Lian Shi)**

**Tom Cruise (Lu Meng)**

**Native American lesbian (Gan Ning)**

**Legolas (Zhou Yu)**

**Pyronamics Anonymous (Lu Xun)**

**Broken Penis (Ling Tong)**

** One of the 300 (Taishi Ci)**

**Russell Crowe (Huang Gai)**

**Lolicon's wet dream (Xiao Qiao)**

**Not Wonder Woman (Da Qiao)**

**Scarface (Zhou Tai)**

**Sten from Dragon Age (Ding Feng)**

**Black Dynamite (Lu Su)**

**Doctor...Who? (Han Dang)**

**DW box art (Zhao Yun)**

**Young Dumbledore (Guan Yu)**

**The Incredible Hulk (Zhang Fei)**

**Kristian Stewart's mouth (Liu Bei)**

**The Mandarin (Zhuge Liang)**

**Gandalf the Green (Huang Zhong)**

**Bane (Wei Yan) **

**Shovelface (Jiang Wei)**

**Mexican Ninja (Pang Tong)**

**John Wayne (Ma Chao)**

**Bob Ross (Ma Dai)**

**Mulan (Xing Cai)**

**Liu Shang (Liu Shan)**

**Maka from Soul Eater (Yue Ying)**

**Robin (Guan Ping)**

**Every hot guy in an otome game (Guan Xing)**

**Team Rocket (Guan Suo and Bao Sanniang)**

**Ichigo Kurosaki (Zhang Bao)**

**Hinata Hyuga (Guan Yinping)**

**The 2000 year-old virgin (Xu Shu)**

**Where my cell phone reception comes from (Sima Yi)**

**An Assassin's Creed courtesan (Zhang Chunhua)**

**The Hot Phantom of the Opera (Sima Shi) **

**Baby Thor (Sima Zhao)**

**Onihime (Wang Yuanji)**

**The Terminator (Deng Ai)**

**Fullmetal Alchemist (Xiahou Ba)**

**Lindsey Lohan (Guo Huai)**

**Sebastian Michaelis (Jia Chong)**

**The Grey Warden (Wen Yang)**

** Raiden from Metal Gear (Zhong Hui)**

**The Fonz (Zhuge Dan)**

**Kazuma Kiryu pumped on steroids (Lu Bu)**

**Your first wet dream (Diao Chan)**

**Jabba the Hut (Dong Zhou)**

**Simon Cowell (Yuan Shao)**

**Jehovah's Witness (Zhang Jiao)**

**The Joker (Zuo Ci)**

**Yammy Llargo (Meng Huo)**

**Beyonce (Zhu Rong)**


End file.
